


give me these moments back (give them back to me)

by gilligankane



Series: Vanity Fest, 2018 [4]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 10:38:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilligankane/pseuds/gilligankane
Summary: A door opens and shuts beneath them and Vanessa groans, dropping back down against the mattress, her hair fanned out around her head.“That’s the world, babe,” Charity breathes into Vanessa’s arm. “Come to ruin our day, it has."





	give me these moments back (give them back to me)

**Author's Note:**

> For Day 4 of Vanity Fest - _Angst_

The sunlight wakes her before Charity does. It streams in through the fluttering curtains, the wind pushing them aside gently as it slips over the windowsill. Vanessa pushes at the duvet piled high up on her chest. A cool rush of air moves over her skin and she shivers slightly, turning into Charity and pressing her lips to Charity’s shoulder.

“Good morning,” she murmurs against Charity’s bare skin. She can feel Charity shift and stretch beneath her mouth, her body waking up at Vanessa’s touch.

Charity groans, something soft and minute. Vanessa soaks it in, these sounds that are only for her, and lets her fingernails scratch gently over the curve of Charity’s hip. 

“Babe,” Charity rasps. “It’s too early.”

“Go back to sleep, then.”

“Can’t now.” Charity’s hand drifts lazily, up between their bodies and over the swell of Vanessa’s stomach before it settles just below her breastbone. “Woken me up, you have.”

“The sun is up,” Vanessa whispers.

Charity rolls towards Vanessa, burying her face in Vanessa’s neck. “Happens once a day, kid.”

Vanessa pinches Charity’s hip and holds in her gasp when they twitch against her own.

“Serves you right,” Charity continues. “It’s probably daft o’clock.”

“Reckon it’s nearing 8.” Vanessa can’t see the small alarm clock on her nightstand over the wild tangle of Charity’s hair, but there’s a sound to the village that only comes with the morning bus into town; with the cafe filling up and the sound of ‘closed’ signs being turned over on shop doors.

“Like I said. Daft o’clock.”

“The boys are probably already awake,” Vanessa says.

Charity’s lips pucker against Vanessa’s skin. “Well it’s a good job they’re at Frankie’s, isn’t it?”

Vanessa’s lips twitch. “He doesn’t like when you call him that.”

“All the more reason to do it,” Charity sings.

“Less talk about me dad in bed, yeah?” Vanessa’s hand flexes against Charity’s hip, pressing down when Charity’s body rises up.

“Whatever you say, babe.” Charity lifts her head, meeting Vanessa’s eyes. “Good morning.”

“Morning. “ Vanessa smiles wide. 

She loves Charity, but she especially loves her like  _ this _ : eyes still foggy with sleep, her nose wrinkled against the sun, hair a mess. Some morning, she wakes up early just to look, just to remind herself that Charity is hers and hers alone. She reaches for the hand on her chest, pulling it up so the sunlight catches the diamond on her finger, throwing sparkles onto the walls.

“A girl could get jealous, you know,” Charity says.

Vanessa scoffs. “Jealous of what?”

“All that time you spend staring at that ring on my finger.”

Vanessa curls Charity’s hand into a loose fist, pressing her mouth to her finger just below the ring. “Spent a fortune on it.”

“A fortune of time away from me, you mean.” Charity moves closer, eliminating the space between their bodies. “All those extra shifts. Lucky I wasn’t worried about you bunking up with some farmer somewhere, was I.”

Vanessa rolls her eyes, unable to stop the small smile that comes over her. “Pete’s not really my type. Moira, on the other hand,” she teases.

Charity gasps, loud and exaggerated. “Right, lady. That’s about enough from you, yeah?”

Vanessa shrugs a shoulder, sliding back across the sheets. “Then I’ll just get up and-”

Charity cuts her off, her hand hot against Vanessa’s hip as she pulls her back in. “You’ll do no such thing. We should have a bit of a lie in, just for that bad joke alone. You owe me, honestly.”

“We can have the whole day,” Vanessa admits. Her smile widens at the look on Charity’s face. “Asked Rhona for the day off and she was keen on giving it to me after I told her what today is.”

“Today?” Charity repeats, her lips turned down in a poor effort of hiding her grin. “What’s today?”

Vanessa licks her lips, a shiver rolling through her body when Charity’s eyes follow the movement. She nearly does it again, just for effect, but she pushes Charity’s hair out of her face instead, tucking it back behind her ear. Her fingers linger there, tracing the shell of Charity’s ear, watching as Charity’s eyelids flutter. 

“You know,” she breathes.

Charity purses her lips, shaking her head slightly. “Remind me.”

Charity knows the answer. She’s the one who remembered, the first year. She showed up on Vanessa’s doorstep in a red cape and mask, pushed high on her forehead. She trapped Vanessa against the door as soon as it closed, her lips brushing over Vanessa’s ear as she slowly worked the buttons of Vanessa’s blouse apart.

“Our first kiss,” Charity breathed into her ear. “Do you remember it?”

“Remind me,” Vanessa whispered back, the words nearly lost between her lips and Charity’s.

“Our first kiss,” Vanessa says now. Her finger dips along Charity’s jawline, curling up under her chin for a moment. Her thumbs brushes over Charity’s lower lip. “Six years ago today.”

“Six years,” Charity repeats. “And all it took was a bottle of whisky, a faulty lock, and your charming personality.”

“I remember you being charming,” Vanessa agrees, ignoring the rest. 

She leans in, kissing Charity soft and slow, each press of her lips lazy and warm. Charity melts under her hands, her body pliant and her kisses intoxicating. Six years years and every kiss still feels like the first; like Vanessa is teetering on the edge of the rest of her life, but for the first time ever, she’s not afraid of the fall. Charity is firm and steadfast beneath her, catching her when she slips and holding her close. She winds her arms around Vanessa’s waist now, pulling her closer until Vanessa’s thighs touch Charity’s; until their hip to hip and chest to chest and Vanessa’s toes are scratching gently at Charity’s calf. 

She still can’t believe it; six years later and she’s in love with Charity Dingle,  _ married _ to Charity Dingle. They’re raising their brood of boys and taking family holidays and hosting Christmas dinners for the Dingles and spending the anniversary of their first kiss in their bed, the duvet tangled around their feet and their tangled hair in their eyes and nowhere to go; nothing to do except to be with each other.

“I remember you being on the lash,” Charity says against her mouth. She takes the sting out of her words with another kiss, her tongue sliding against the seam of Vanessa’s lips. “Best night of my life, yeah? Alone, in a cellar with a woman who couldn’t stand me while a funeral-”

“Celebration of life,” Vanessa interrupts.

“ _ Funeral _ ,” Charity repeats. “Raged on above us. It’s how all the great romances start, innit?”

“Those usually end in death,” Vanessa argues.

“Most lives do, kid.” Charity rolls away, flat on her back. 

Vanessa slides closer, curling an arm around Charity’s waist for a moment before she props herself up on her elbow, pushing her hair back so she can see Charity’s face. 

“I love you now,” Vanessa offers, her hand against Charity’s chest, her fingers spread as the tips press into the places where she can feel Charity’s heartbeat. “I’ll love you always.”

“It’s what you vowed.” Charity turns towards her, kissing Vanessa’s chin sloppily. “I’ve got proof of that.”

Vanessa’s wedding ring sparkles just as Charity’s, her diamond slightly smaller, so she doesn’t have to always remove it while she’s working. It’s slightly dimmed, now, and Vanessa tries to make a note to have it taken to the jewelers for a proper cleaning, but the thought comes and goes as Charity kisses her again, controlled and purposeful, a hand at the back of her neck. 

Vanessa pulls back, studying Charity’s face. She’s been trying harder, lately, to memorize each laugh line and each worry wrinkle; to be able to close her eyes and picture Charity in precise moments - in the morning before she’s properly awake and when she’s smiling as the boys bicker and when she’s up late at night reading a book she just can’t put down. Vanessa catalogues them all, saving them for rainy days when Charity feels so far away and she’s counting the minutes until she can go home; until she can see her family and kiss Charity and  _ breathe _ again.

“What?” Charity asks. “Do I have something on my face?”

“You’re gorgeous,” Vanessa breathes.

There’s something pink and hot that rushes through Charity’s cheeks. She turns her head, burying it in the hollow of Vanessa’s shoulder. “Give over,” she murmurs against Vanessa’s skin.

“You are,” Vanessa insists. She can feel the embarrassment burning into her body, radiating off Charity in waves.

“People have told me that my whole life,” Charity said the first time Vanessa told her.

Vanessa pulled back, eyes wide in fear. “I don’t mean-”

Charity reached out, a finger to Vanessa’s lips. “You’re the first person whose said it to me where I… where I believe it.”

“Give over,” Charity murmurs now. She’s smiling, though, pleased. “You old, soppy co-”

A door opens and shuts beneath them and Vanessa groans, dropping back down against the mattress, her hair fanned out around her head. 

“That’s the world, babe,” Charity breathes into Vanessa’s arm. “Come to ruin our day, it has."

Vanessa bites down on her bottom lip as the person downstairs stomps around. She hears the soft twinkling of ceramic on ceramic; someone picking up dirty mugs and plates and putting them in the sink for washing. Charity whines when Vanessa sits up, but her hands are quick to rest on the curve of Vanessa’s spine, grounding her.

“Don’t go,” Charity says.

“What if it’s a burglar?” 

“Let them have what they want.” Charity sits up behind her, kissing the spot where her back meets her neck, the place that makes Vanessa shiver.

“Honestly, Charity.” Vanessa pulls Charity’s hands around her waist to soften the sting, watching them lace over her stomach. She leans back into Charity’s front, her nose against the line of Charity’s jaw. “Such little regard for our things.”

“They’re  _ things _ , babe.” Charity kisses her forehead, her lips lingering. “I’ve got all I need right here, yeah?”

Vanessa laughs, feeling it echo in Charity’s chest. “Now who’s the old, soppy cow?” She slips out of Charity’s arms and picks her dressing gown up off the floor. Charity watches her, eyes unforgiving as they take in all of Vanessa’s body. It used to make Vanessa self-conscious; make her turn in on herself and hide. But Charity’s gaze is just as hungry as it was six years ago, twisting her stomach pleasantly. “Come on,” she urges. “We won’t be long. I’ll make us a brew to bring back up here.”

Charity follows her reluctantly, pulling on her dressing gown as she moves down the stairs, a half step behind Vanessa.

Vanessa pauses at the edge of the stairs, knotting her dressing gown tightly. Tracy is there, carefully stacking a row of envelopes on the table, her attention mostly on the framed wedding picture Vanessa has on the mantle. She clears her throat softly but Tracy spins quickly, a hand to her chest.

“ _ Vanessa _ ,” Tracy breathes. “You scared me.” She frowns. “Thought you were at surgery today?”

Vanessa flushes, eyes darting to Charity behind here “Took the day off to celebrate.”

Tracy opens her mouth but stops herself, giving Vanessa a thin smile. She glances in Charity’s direction before focusing on Vanessa again. “V, you need to-”

“It’s okay, Trace,” Vanessa interrupts. “I talked to Rhona and it’s all settled. I’ll work late tomorrow night.”

Tracy opens her mouth again but closes it, that same smile back. “Right. Well, suppose I should get out of your hair, yeah?”

Vanessa can feel Charity’s eyes on her. “If you don’t mind,” she says, her voice wavering under Charity’s stare. “But I’ll catch up with you later?”

“Sure, sure,” Tracy says quickly. “Whenever you want, V. Just call me, okay?” She puts down the stack of mail, letters addressed to Vanessa on the top. She pauses in front of Vanessa, reaching for her but dropping her hand before it rests on Vanessa’s arm. “Any time you want. Even if it’s the middle of the night.”

Vanessa rolls her eyes. “Stop being so dramatic. I’ll only be hiding away for one day. But stop by surgery tomorrow and we’ll get lunch. Charity’s treat,” she teases.

Tracy’s smile stretches thinner. “Sure,” she manages. “Sounds a treat.” She doesn’t look at Charity as she leaves, ducking her head instead and slipping out quietly as Vanessa follows her.

The door shuts with a soft  _ click _ and Vanessa leans forward, her forehead pressed against the wood. She can hear Tracy just on the path, her words soft but clear as she talks to someone - Rhona, maybe, by the sound of it. She shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. She should have stayed there, in the stretch of sunlight with Charity’s body stretched out against hers. She should have pulled the duvet back up over her head and pulled Charity close enough that she couldn’t tell where she started and Charity ended. She should have-

“Babe.”

Vanessa closes her eyes at the sound of Charity’s voice behind her, shaking her head. “No.”

“Vanessa.”

“Don’t, Charity,” she snaps, her chest rising and falling more rapidly. She can feel Charity move closer, her shadow dancing across the wooden surface between disappearing.

“You promised, yeah? ‘ _ Til death do us part _ .” Charity pauses. “And I’m…”

“Charity, stop it,” Vanessa begs.

“I’m dead, babe,” Charity finishes. “Just waiting on the  _ parting _ part of it.”

Vanessa turns slowly, leaning against the door. “I didn’t promise that.”

Charity laughs, sharp and steel. “Uh, I’m sure you did, babe. I was there and all.” She waves a hand impatiently. “Remember? White dresses, rings. Our Noah crying during his Best Mate’s speech. Paddy going headfirst into the cake table.”

“I promised to love you,” Vanessa corrects. “I promised to love you for my  _ whole _ life.”

“For  _ my _ whole life. Isn’t that what you mean?” Charity steps closer, her fingers against Vanessa’s jawline. Her hand is colder now, the earlier warmth faded and gone. “Only, it’s over now, isn’t it?”

“Charity,” Vanessa says, her voice breaking. “It’s not-”

“I wish I was here. Truly here. You and me, together.” Charity’s smile is sad and her eyes are too kind. “We got our Mrs. and Mrs. white wedding, yeah? 

Vanessa looks down at her hands, clenched into fists at her sides. “No. I want more.” It’s selfish, but she wants it. She wants growing older. She wants Ryan and Noah’s wedding. She wants Johnny and Moses graduating from Uni. She wants the future Charity promised her in front of their friends and family.

“Close your eyes,” Charity whispers. Her hands skim along Vanessa’s arms, down to her clenched fists. She works them apart slowly. “Now, remember our wedding day. Remember the boys in their matching outfits and Ryan’s cheeky formal hat. Remember that watching you at the start of the aisle on Frank’s arm-” Charity’s voice sounds farther away now, like she’s swimming backwards underwater. “Remember that I’ve  _ never _ been happier in my life than I was then. Thought I was going to knock over and you’d waste our first kiss as a married couple on bringing me back into consciousness.”

Vanessa can feel her chest tightening with each word and she closes her eyes against the pain even as the weight of Charity’s hands start to fade. A different pain, an emptiness, settles in the pit of her stomach.

“Just remember that if I could, I’d be  _ here _ , with you.” Something presses gently to her chest. “But even though I can’t be, I’m  _ here _ .” She pauses. “I’m going nowhere.”

“No,” Vanessa manages, her throat closing around the word.

“Let go, babe,” Charity whispers back. “Just let me go.”

“I can’t,” Vanessa admits. “I can’t do it. Please.  _ Please _ don’t make me.”

“You have to.” Charity’s voice is a ghost of a whisper now, getting further and further away. 

Something warm and soft brushes over her forehead - Charity’s lips. Vanessa grabs for her, wanting to twist her hands into Charity’s dressing gown and pull her in; wanting to never let her go.

There’s nothing in front of her, though, her hands slicing through the air with no purpose, falling back against her sides.

“ _ No _ ,” she breathes, eyes opening as she pushes off the door and into the living room. “No. No, Charity. Come back.  _ Come back. _ ”

There’s no one in front of her, though. It’s just the stretch of the house, littered with all of the things she hasn’t packed away yet; all of the things that proved Charity was here.

Vanessa staggers back, sliding down the against the wall until she’s sitting at the base of it, hot tears on her cheeks.  “Come back,” she repeats. “ _ Please _ .”

She takes a shuddering breath. “Charity?”

The sunlight comes in through the living room window and she’s alone.


End file.
